I’m so grateful you’re here!
Let me tell you a little story about me…
I had a very lucky upbringing. I am so grateful for all of the unique opportunities that were given to me. They broke me down, and made me stronger. I always had security and support in my family. I still do! This is something that I keep very close to my heart; I was never really alone.
Born in England and then whisked away to Scotland at a very early age, I would say the first half of my life saw me identifying as a Scottish lass.
When I was 5 years old, my dad took a job in Saudi Arabia where we stayed for 3 years. From what I remember of it, I loved it there. Although I do have a vague memory of a boy called Thomas who stole my bike because he had a crush on me. Young love I guess.
When I was 9 I went to a boarding school, took part in almost every extra-curricular activity available, and learned to find my independence pretty quickly. I never wanted to go home! I preferred to go and ride horses with my friends or stay in the boarding house and watch movies with the other girls in the house.
Scotland was ingrained in me. History, culture & of course, that beautiful accent.
When I hit 15, my world went a little bit chaotic. The decision was made that we would move to New Zealand. The excitement of the new adventure was dampened by the sadness of moving…literally half way across the world…from my friends. I’d created a whole world in Scotland, and it was being destroyed. Of course, puberty and hormones and all the normalities of becoming a teenager didn’t exactly help my emotional state. Nevertheless, it was happening and there was nothing I could do about it.
Yet, funnily enough, despite all of the self-created drama, I now identify as an honorary New Zealander. A kiwi. I learnt some pretty important parts of life during my 10 years there, and live with zero regrets.
But, 10 years was enough. Enough of living somewhere so incredibly far away from all of the places I wanted to explore, and the adventures I knew were waiting for me. So, I wrote my resignation, sold everything I owned, and packed my bags a month later to head to London for a job interview with the hope of staying on my friend of a friend of a friends couch.
And you know what?
It was the best decision I ever made.
I got the job, moved to Amsterdam, and lived as the wild 25 year old I was meant to.
But it all came with a cost, and my steady decline to my rock bottom began.
Rock bottom is one of those funny places. When you look back, all the signs were there from the very beginning. The weight fluctuations, negative behavioral patterns, continuing to take on more things while your intuition is trying to scream at you to slow down. Panic attacks, brain fog, exhaustion, mood swings, low self worth, anxiety, stomach issues, memory loss.
For me, the stress, the perfectionism and performance mode all started back in New Zealand, but it wasn’t something that was talked about. So you just kind of got on with it. But, as with most things, the more you ignore them the bigger they grow in the shadows, and my shadow got fairly big. When I finally said to myself “okay, this has got to stop” and got the help I needed, I felt like a ghost of myself that was consumed with anxiety and a mild obsessive compulsive disorder (driven by perfectionism). It wasn’t a good place to be.
But, it was exactly what I needed.
Finding myself at the bottom showed me exactly what I need to be on top. To be my best. To live my life full. To step into my power.
It’s showed me how I want to FEEL in life. What’s important to me, and what is not. What energies I want to have around me, and what I will no longer accept as a standard.
It’s changed my outlook on life completely, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
To my friends & my boyfriend,
I thank you all for your immense support during this time. Whether it was conscious or not, know that you all played a role in helping me realize who I am again and drive me towards writing this blog to inspire others.With love, Jenni x